X2 Parody: What really happened
by Phoenix-torn
Summary: I was watching X2 and decided I had to parody it. I really do love the movie but sometime you just have to laugh.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I make no money, I just like to but off doing work by writing about these characters.

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**X2: The Real story (a Parody…so technically it's not the real story…I'm confused)**

Anyway, A tour group is in the White House listening to a speech given by a guide foreshadowing what's going to happen in the film. Even though there is an ugly guy obviously wearing face paint, in a mysterious looking trench coat, carrying a knife that somehow slipped though security, nobody notices and continues on with their tour.

Guard:Are you lost or something? The tour group left and nobody but me noticed you were still here and look kind of strange.

Nightcrawler: I am not lost, I am about to make a dramatic entrance because I am the newest addition to the cast of X-men.

Guard: ?

Nightcrawler's tail emerges from his coat and he proceeds to beat-up guards and bamfs from room to room confusing the white house staff. Magically all the white face pain comes off in the fight to expose his blue demonic face. The white house staff shuffles a woman out of the President's office.

President: I'll call you!

The rest of the service men proceed to fall rhythmically to the background music while Nightcrawler Bamfs around the room to effect. The president cowers at his desk.

Nightcrawler:Boo!

He jumps onto the desk and to show off his flexible tail by taking a knife from his jacket and stabbing it into the table. One of the guards finally realizes that if the president dies he won't get paid and shoots Nightcrawler. The blue guy disappears and the president stares at the knife. A pretty ribbon with the words "MUTANT FREEDON NOW" is attached to it.

President: Mu-tant free-dom?

He asks to the guy behind him.

Service-Man:Yes I believe it refers to the Mutant registration Act.

The president looks confused.

Service-Man:The reason you were elected into office

The president still looks confused

Service-man:The memo that was left on your desk last week.

The blank expression on the President's face did not change.

Service-man:Getting rid of all those different from your so you can feel superior.

President:OHHHH!!!

The scene changes to Wolverine following a wolf around Alkali Lake. Even though Wolverine has heightened senses and the psychic professor sent him here in the last film he still hasn't been able to find anything.

Wolverine:There has to be something around here connected to my past. Even though there are ruin's of a military base mysteriously where Xavier sent me. I'm not going to look any harder. Oh well, Maybe a new character can be used to gain the information I should have found here half-way through the movie. I might as well head back to Xavier's. The cute red-head can't possibly still be with the dorky guy with glasses…now which way is it…?

Wolverine wanders around trying to find his way back, meanwhile everyone at the institute has gone on a field trip.

Storm:Listen children, I'm going to tell you about evolution just in case you have forgotten the premise of this film.

Artie: (under his breath) Can't you just explain where your accent went instead?

The children begin to look around the museum.

Random Kid:Hey look a Sabre-tooth

Jean:Maybe that's where that guy went.

Jean walks over to a corner and starts fiddling with her hair. The computers go crazy. He worried fiancé comes over to her.

Scott:Jean, are you okay?

Jean:I think my powers are expanding, for some reason I can hear snippets of future lines in the movie.

Scott:Oh no, that means you have a sub-plot and I don't. Damn it!

Scott and jean hug while the scene moves to the cafeteria. Bobby, Rogue and Pyro are arguing with some random kids.

Kid 1:Can I have a light?

Pyro:No

Kid 1:ah common

Pyro:No

Kid 1:Please?

Pyro:no

Kid 2:Who are you anyway?

Pyro:I'm the exact opposite of the ice-guy behind me, isn't it ironic? I'm going to show off now and prove I'm an angsty, borderline evil character and set you on fire.

Pyro proceeds to do this and Iceman gets mad.

Iceman:Oh no, there is no way you're showing me up in front of my semi-girlfriend who I can't touch.

He puts out the fire with ice.

Rogue:I like Bobby, but I have an uncontrollable fascination wit the hairy guy who saved my life and is old enough to be my grandfather.

Iceman and Pyro stare at Rogue ignoring the two guys who were burning a minute ago.

Rogue:Oh crap, I must have said that out loud. I wish someone would do something to take the focus off of me.

Everyone in the museum that is not a mutant freezes.

Rogue:That'll work. But I didn't mean it to do this.

Xavier:no I did. I have to move the scene on, but good work showing off your powers and the rivalry between you.

Soon the X-men are back at the school discussing the attack on the president.

Scott:I think magneto is behind this.

Jean:I don't think so Scott. Even though you are supposedly the leader of the team I have a sub-plot and am therefore more important than you.

Xavier:I agree. It would be irrational for you to have a bigger role in this film.

Storm:I'm going to state the obvious because I haven't said anything in awhile.

The scene changes to the president's office. Stryker is staring at

the president's desk.

Stryker:It was close, closer than anyone has admitted.

President:I know I almost got to third with that intern before…

Stryker:I meant the assassination attempt

President:oh, right. Would you like a drink?

He pours himself a big glass of something.

Stryker:Um, no.

President:Okay your loss. What are you doing here anyway? I have a tendency to not read my memos.

Mystique as Senator Kelly walks in

President continued:I guess he was invited too. Senator Kelly,

William Riker.

Stryker:That's Stryker, Wrong Patrick Stewart movie…

President:Yeah right…so

Stryker:I want to attack a school, it has a plane.

Kelly:Oh Xavier's? I pretended to be a student there once. Nice campus but the cafeteria sucks.

The other men look at him strangely but ignore him.

President:You can attack it if you have a reason.

Stryker:They're different then us.

President:Good enough.

Kelly:Wait hold on how do you know that?

Stryker:Magneto told me,

Kelly:Can I see him?

Stryker:NO

Kelly:ah common

Stryker:No

Kelly:Please?

Stryker:No

President:Alright listen, I have a hang-over and I don't want to here you two squabbling anymore. Get out.

They walk out together and pass a woman cracking her fingers.

Kelly:Who's she?

Stryker:The female character that doesn't talk much and beats the crap out of Wolverine in the fight-scene at the end of the movie, you know like mystique in the first one.

Kelly/Mystique grits her teeth and says nothing.

The two men leave and the scene changes to the school again.

Hey look a big guy who can draw and looks like he's too old to be a student. It must be a cameo appearance. Rogue and Bobby are thumb wrestling which shows off the complexities of both of their characters. He goes in for a kiss but Rogue is distracted by the door opening.

Rogue:Hooray the hot guy with bad hair is back!

She runs into the hallway and hugs him.

Logan:uh hi!

Rogue:Hi yourself (wink)

Iceman:I'm Iceman, her boyfriend

Bobby freezes Logan's hand

Logan:Right, afraid nobody remembers you from the first film?"

Storm:Welcome back "Stanley"

Halle berry walks down the stairs wearing tight pants, her brown hair cut short and no shirt.

Logan Laughs

Logan:Halle?"

Halle:Yeah?

Logan:Wrong film, Swordfish 2 never got off the ground.

Halle looks down at her outfit

Halle:AH Shit, Hold on

She runs back up-stairs and passes Jean on the way.

Jean, "Halle in the wrong costume?"

Logan: Yep, I still have a thing for you.

Jean: I know but right now we need someone to baby-sit the kids while Storm and I go to Boston.

Logan:Why do I get the crappy jobs?

Jean:You have to be here to protect the children when we are inevitably invaded, beside Cyclops has no role in these films.

Scott:What did you say about me?

He walks in and glares at Wolverine.

Jean: I'm just going to leave and let you two prove your masculinity to one another.

Jean leaves and laughs as Cyclops tries to make himself look tough.

Scott:So, Canada fun?

Logan: Yeah, road around for a while, by the way your bike needs gas (tosses him the keys)

Scott:Was that an Australian accent?

Logan (clears his throat): Course not

Scott:I would have sworn..

Logan: You didn't hear anything bub!

Scott:alright alright, just fill the bike up with gas.

Logan:Why don't you do it? It's not like you have a role in this film anyway?

The boys are interrupted by the second entrance of Storm.

Scott:Hey look, a Storms a'comming.

Logan:Terrible line

Halle walks down the stairs again, this time adjusting her wig.

Storm:Welcome back Logan

Logan:You missed your cue, the scene is over.

Storm:Ah shit really? I don't need this I've won an Oscar!!

She storm back up the stairs and Logan and Scott look at each

other in confusion.

The scene changes to Magneto in a plastic prison. He sits quietly

reading "The Once and Future King." What people don't know is

that thee is a copy of "Martha Stewart Living hidden between the

pages.

Magneto:Mr Loreo, how long can we keep this up?

Inept Guard:How long is your "sentence"?

Magneto:Excuse me?

Inept Guard:You know what I meant?

Magneto smiles slyly:Forever

Enter Stryker

Stryker:Not necessarily forever Mr Lehnsher just until I got all that I need.

Magneto:Mr. Stryker, now kind of you to visit.

The guard then hits Magneto with a big stick and Stryker drops mind-control stuff on Magneto's neck. He tells the guard he can leave.

Stryker:Now Erik, you are under my control and will do and say anything I tell you too. But before we get to that I need you to tell me about cerebro…

Shudder NEXT!

Wolverine stomps to cerebro, smoking a cigar.

Xavier:Logan, but that out or you'll spend the rest of you life believing that you are a Cowboy.

Logan:You can do that?

Xavier:You'll Sing Oklahoma

Loganunder his breath: Too Late

Xavier:Welcome back.

Wolverine buts the cigar out in his palm to show that he still has a healing factor. Cerebro starts.

Xavier: These lights show everyone on the planet

Logan: Whoa, trippy

Xavier: The broken line is the mutant that attacked the president. I can't seem to get a trace on him.

Logan: I thought he was in Boston.

XAvier: Shhhh I'm concentrating

Logan: Well concentrate harder so I can talk to you about my problems

Xavier: If I concentrate harder then I might kill him (dun dun dun!)

Logan: Oh! Now I understand what's going to happen!

Xavier: Anyway I found him, Boston.

Logan: But,…you know what nevermind, speaking of mind, will you read mine again.

Xavier: Logan the interest in your character is that you're brooding and mysterious and don't have a past. Do you think I'm going to shell out all the details of you convoluted history at the beginning of the film?

Logan: Um yes?

Xavier: Your adamantium and amnesia are connected. You happy?

Logan: Am I ever happy?

XAvier: Oh, and you will watch the children tonight. Scott and I are going to visit an "old friend."

They walk out of cerebro. Wolverine is confused about the use of the term "Old Friend" but tries to forget it. He's just happy Scott is leaving and giving him more screen-time.


	2. chapter 2

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update. Thanks for the positive responses!!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, the plot, anything. I'm just bored and need to do something with my free time

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Skip scenes to Mystique as Sen. Kelly.

Mystique humming: "Walk like a man, talk like a man, walk like a man."

Mystique transforms from Sen. Kelly into Stryker's assistant, and walks into a strange office. She scans her hand to enter and sits down at the computer.

"Stryker, William"

The screen shows a list of mutants as well as a lot of files on the desk-top.

"Hey look, Candy for the Fan-boys," She thinks to herself as she scrolls through the names, "Ah, here was go, Eric M. Lensherr…Doesn't he spell his name with a k? Whatever, Magnus, owes me big for this. Hey, what's this? Looks like Stryker has some weird fascination with Erik. What are all these photos? I don't want to know…ok so now I know were magneto is, let's do a little more snooping shall we? Looks like Stryker is building a cerebro…that's the last thing I want, that guy in my head…scary."

Mystique hears a noise and sees that Stryker's assistant is coming. She quickly prints off the information and transforms into a member of the cleaning staff. The assistant enters the room and opens a drawer.

"asprin? Check, Big plastic gun, check, script for the one line I get to say, check…oh her it comes…"

She turns around to see a member of the cleaning staff

"What are you doing in here?" She smiled thinking she pulled the line off nicely.

Mystique as the staff member "Icky icky Karma sutra."

Thinking damn I wish I knew Spanish.

Stryker's assistant looked questioning at the young man/mystique.

"It's garbage"

Mystique left carrying a garbage can smiling. She walks by the real staff member who looks confused and can't seem to stop watching her leave.

"Man, I really have to stop sniffing the products."

Scene now moves to Boston where Storm and Jean have found a church.

They both walk inside. Storm enters first.

Jean: Don't you think I should go in first since I am have a sub-plot and you don't.

Storm: I don't think so sister. I'm milking all the screen time I can.

They both look around the ramshackle church.

Storm: Creepy

Jean:These are the coordinates

They turn their heads when they heard a German voice coming from above them.

"Get out!"

They hear him Bamf across the rafters above them. Jean smiles.

Jean: He's a teleporter, that must be why the professor had trouble locking onto him.

Storm: Hold on wait. What the hell is bamfing?

Jean: Bamfing?

Storm: Yeah, the script says bamf. What does that mean?

Jean: Why don't we ask the guy when we get him to come down?

Storm: Fine. (Looks ups) We're not here to hurt you. We just want to talk

Nightcrawler: Does Zat line work for anybody? Get Out!

Jean: Are you bored yet?

Storm: oh Yeah, I can't believe I signed up for a sequel. I mean this doesn't even begin to show off my acting ability and…

Jean:No I meant with trying to convince this guy to come down.

Storm:Oh, Sure, whatever. What this. I'll tilt my head like so…raise my arms and taadaa, Instant thunder storm.

A bolt of lightening hits the beam Nightcrawler is standing on and it breaks sending him falling to the ground. Jeans catches him telekinetically.

Jean:Show off. Wouldn't it have been easier if I would have done this from the start?

Storm: No this way you can turn him around with our mind dramatically. (Jean does this) See it's for the best.

Nightcrawler:Please don't kill me. It would be a very large waste of time to have put all this work into my make-up and effects. Besides I didn't mean to harm anyone.

Storm: Now why would people have gotten that impression?

Nightcrawler: Because I tried to kill the president of the United States.

Jean (Whispers): Rhetorical question…

Storm:What's your name?

Nightcrawler:Bond, James Bond…no sorry…Wagner, Kurt Wagner.

The scene fades to nightcrawler lying on a bench surrounded by the two x-women. He recounts from his point of view what happened in the assassination attempt.

Nightcrawler: I could see it happening but I couldn't stop myself.

Storm:Like taking this part…

Nightcrawler:I remember nothing before the attack. I was here.

Storm:Jean?

Jean:I'd rather not use my telepathy now. Let's wait for a more dramatic moment ok? Besides the Professor would probably do a better job. I'm not the Phoenix yet.

Storm: The Phoenix?

Jean: Sorry that's later, ignore that.

Nightcrawler looks confused: Professor?

Storm: It'll be explained later in a tender moment between the two of us. For now you're going to have to trust that two women with super powers that invaded your sanctuary are here to help you.

Nightcrawler: Fair enough

Storm: By the way, What are the marks on your body?

Nightcralwer: angelic symbols that I did myself. I look like a demon so I'm trying to be more complex by being really religious.

Jean: Well it worked. Everyone loves your character. You've surpassed our popularity. You better come with us.


End file.
